Couples’ Communication

20/20 Lifestyles — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 17:31:00 GMT

By Julie Taborsky, R.D.

Some people look forward to Valentine's Day all year, going so far as decorating their house in hearts and pink. Others find this holiday, and the over-the-top jewelry ads that accompany it, somewhat annoying.

But no matter where you fall in this continuum, it is safe to say that this holiday leads most people to reflect on their relationship. So, in the spirit of V-Day, love it or hate it, here are some tips to help your relationship run a bit smoother this year.

1. Consider the "5 love languages"

According to author Gary Chapman, humans express love in five main ways which he calls "love languages": quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch and gift giving.

He suggests each of us has a primary love language. We tend to instinctively show our love for others based on how we like to be loved, instead of considering what is most important to our partner. This leads to frustration and needs that are unmet. Consider which of the five ways you use most frequently to show your affection, and ask your partner which one is most important to him/her.

2. Practice asking clearly for what you need

Be as specific as possible. Do you need your partner to listen without trying to solve problems for you? Do you need some verbal encouragement once in awhile? How about some helpful advice or some distraction from what is bothering you? Do you just need some time to yourself? Maybe you really just need a hug.

Chances are your partner wants to support you but they are not sure exactly what you need. This can be a frustrating experience for both of you. If you are not able to come up with what you need in the moment, remember it is not too late to talk about it after the fact when you are feeling calmer.

3. Make time to remember the positive

Take a few minutes to think about the qualities that make your partner unique and lovable. When you feel stuck in conflict, it can be easy to focus on the negatives. Taking time to think about your good memories can reduce black and white thinking patterns we all get stuck in and increase your motivation to work through tough times.

Try setting aside time to do activities you have enjoyed together in the past or to look at old pictures, read old cards or talk about your good memories.

Here are some additional references and recommended reading to keep your relationship strong this year and hopefully into the next!

The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman

7 Principles for a Happy Marriage by John Gottman, PhD

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg, PhD

Lifestyle : communication, relationships

Couples’ Communication